


Just Friends Bein' Pals (Definitely Not Bein' Jerks)

by FloopTheCooper



Series: Shitpost Valley [2]
Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Gray-Asexuality, I mean really late intro of the farmer, Jerks being Jerks, M/M, Non-binary character, Pranks and Practical Jokes, cat boi but not really, disgusting musical instruments, hated gifts, horrible surprises, it's almost like they're not the main character of this particular story, late introduction of the farmer, light blasphemy, loved gifts, mystery horse, petty revenge, still friends anyway, that dynamic where sometimes friends are dicks to each other but not in a mean way, we'll see them again tho in another time and place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloopTheCooper/pseuds/FloopTheCooper
Summary: Just a buncha jerks exploiting each other's weaknesses. With pranks.
Relationships: Abigail & Sam & Sebastian (Stardew Valley), Sam/Sebastian (Stardew Valley)
Series: Shitpost Valley [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141145
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Eggs Are Good For You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coolCoolGlasses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolCoolGlasses/gifts).



> Thanks to coolCoolGlasses for egging me on :-)

“Ok. Ok ok ok. Shh-shh, ok I think we got it.”

Abigail sat back and glanced at Sam, admiring their handiwork. “Ok don’t move, don’t even breathe,” she whispered and dug out her phone. Sam stifled giggles as Abby took photos to document what had to be their best prank yet.

✽

It had been weeks since Sebastian had made it to their regular Friday night hangout at the Stardrop. Something about “a big job for a very important client” or whatever, as if that were a good enough excuse to ditch them. 

He swore he’d be able to make it this week, but that hangout came and went. Without Seb to whoop Sam’s ass at pool, Sam and Abby found themselves with plenty of time to plan some good-natured revenge.

“Yoba in a toga, I cannot believe he ditched us _again,_ Sam.”

“I know, right? It’s like he doesn’t even _care_ that I’m winning all these pool games. So much for his perfect streak.”

“Buddy I don’t think it works that way.”

“Of course it does! It’s like a, you know, a thingy, one of those things where you have a thing and if the other person doesn’t show up they lose and you win because of the fault.”

_“Default,_ Sam, you’re talking about winning by default. And that’s not how pool works.”

“Oh whatever,” Sam huffed. “I have to have something to tease him with for this. It’s either I win at pool and rub it in his face or… or…”

He paused and looked up, eyes glittering. Abby’s face stretched into a wide grin. “Or we prank the shit out of him!” It was always weird when they spoke in unison, but they were both so excited that they didn’t care. “We’re gonna need a _lot_ of eggs.”

✽

Finished with the setup, Sam and Abby crept behind Sebastian’s bed. They had spent the better part of three days gathering as many eggs as they could find, and now they were piled precariously around their sleeping friend.

“Hey, we should record this,” whispered Sam. 

“Oooh, good idea, gimme a sec to switch it.”

Seb stirred lightly and they held their breath for a tense moment. Abby hurriedly tapped her phone to record. “Ok are you ready?” Sam nodded. He leaned in and took a deep breath.

“WAKE UP ASSHOLE!”

Sebastian woke with a start, sitting up and slamming his face into the paper plate that had been balanced on a cardboard tube tower built directly above him. Eggs rained down around him, breaking on his head and chest. He rolled and flailed his arms, smacking and crushing the eggs that had been nestled around his body while he slept. He yelped in confusion and swore as egg oozed into his nose and mouth.

He panicked and struggled. Egg flew everywhere.

Sam and Abby doubled over, howling with laughter. It was all Abby could do to keep her phone steady to record this masterpiece.

“Augh, fuck!” Sebastian spat. “Fuck! Fuck you guys, you suck so much you fuckin’ dicks!”

“Serves you right, you jackass,” Sam gasped, wiping tears from his eyes and handing over a towel.

“Yeah, we missed you Seb!”

“Fuck you both!”

“Aw, don’t be like that Sebby,” she laughed. “We’re not all bad, we got you this to go along with the rest of your gifts.” Abby held out an egg the size of a tennis ball. “We couldn’t get this one to balance, so. Here you go!”

“What is it, more eggs you assholes? I can’t believe you.” Sebastian wiped egg out of his eyes and glared in Abby’s direction. “You know how much I fucking hate eggs, you—wait what is that…” he reached out and gingerly took the egg. It was impossibly black with flecks of red here and there. It seemed to glisten. “Now this… this is beautiful,” he said breathlessly, staring into its eggy void.

Still giggling, the aforementioned assholes looked at each other and smirked. “Sure it is, egg boy.” 

“Sebby loves eggs.”

“Yeah, egg lover.”

“…shut up, I hate you both. And you’d _better_ clean up these eggs.”


	2. Sunshine and Mayonnaise

**itsYaBoiSeb:**  
hey I got the stuff  
heading back now

 **AbbaDabba:**  
sweeeeeet

 **itsYaBoiSeb:**  
lol that’s what hell think  
dammit autocorrect  
*he’ll

 **AbbaDabba:**  
u hit the farmr 2??

 **itsYaBoiSeb:**  
yeah I got everything we need  
he won’t know what hit him

 **AbbaDabba:**  
noice don’t die see u l8r

Sebastian checked again to make sure his bag was secured to the pillion. He had risen early and ridden all the way to Grampleton just to get to Bee House Bakery’s famous maple bars, and dammit they were going to make it back in one piece. Satisfied that everything was in place, he tightened his helmet strap, picked up his bike, pressed the ignition, and goosed the throttle.

It was midmorning and still cool but the day would be too hot soon enough. The ride back to Pelican Town promised to be nice, but he’d have to sleep in for a week to make up for leaving at 7 o’clock in the damn morning. Abby had better appreciate this.

✽

“Did you get them, give it here let me see, let me seeee.”

“ _Good morning, Seb. Thank you, Seb,”_ Sebastian trilled in a high, nasally voice. _“I’ll buy you sashimi for a year, Seb.”_

“Yeah yeah, welcome home, hand it over.”

Abigail and her grabby hands sat on the bed and impatiently rummaged through the sweet-smelling bag. She pulled out a brightly colored box decorated in pink and white pinstripes and yellow bees, squealing in excitement as she gingerly lifted the lid. “Aaaa, these are perfect! I’m telling you it’ll make it so much better to have his favorite ones.”

“Well yeah, neither of us can bake for shit, the ones from Joja Mart are always stale, and I’m sure as hell not asking Jodi to make them.” He sat heavily on the floor cushion and inhaled the still-steaming coffee he had swiped from Abigail’s dresser. “Oh dear sweet Yoba I needed this.”

“Psh, yeah, Jodi can’t keep a secret from her sweet widdle Sammy-poo to save her damn life, and if she heard what we were doing with them she’d completely flip her shit.” Abby’s eyes lit up and she smiled, turning to Sebastian, “hey can I have one before we fuck ‘em up?”

Breaking his reverie, he lowered the cup and gave her a level look. “I bought a half dozen of those fuckers just so they’d use the special box. If there are any missing he’ll whine about how it wasn’t full and be a pitiful brat about it, and we want to get the maximum amount of excitement out of him before we crush his spirit.”

She raised an eyebrow in mock disbelief. “… _Wow._ Your best friend, even.”

“Hey, you’re just as sick as I am of this shit. Dude is completely off the rails with his latest _vision,_ ” he sneered. “I don't even know what the fuck a cheery pop honky-tonk dance-rock experimental fusion band is supposed to sound like! Like seriously!” He drained the cup in one swift motion and set it down on the floor. “Next thing you know he’ll say we need to wear costumes and write original songs about Junimo Kart.”

“That might not be half ba—”

“Fuck you.”

Abby laughed, blocking the cushion he threw at her as she put the maple bars down. “Fiiiine, fine, you dick. But that one is too good.” She smirked, “I’m keeping that suggestion in my pocket for the next time you sass me. You’d look cute dressed as the blue junimo, playing your little keyboard and singing your little songs. Should we upgrade you to a keytar?”

Seb grumbled into his stolen coffee.

Clearly having won the future upper hand, she turned her attention back to the bags and pulled out the glass jar with a handwritten label. “Uuuh, what is _"extra special mayo, enjoy!”_ supposed to mean, dude?” She grinned and gesticulated rudely. “I mean gross, but you do you.”

“Eat a dick, Abby.”

“Seriously though, what makes it _extra special?”_ Her nose wrinkled, studying the jar’s speckled greyish contents as Sebastian got up and flopped down next to her like a boneless cat suffering from ennui. The muffled growl that escaped his throat certainly made him sound like one. 

“You know that black egg you two failed to prank me with?”

“Hey that was 100% successful and you know it—”

 _“Well anyway,_ a while after that I thought I’d go down to Pomegranny’s Farm and ask about it. As it turns out—”

“No! You didn’t!”

“Yep!” There was entirely too much smirking going on. Sebastian was clearly enjoying this. “That right there is a jar of their special _Void Mayonnaise._ The farmer said it didn’t sell very well around here so I got a discount and everything.” 

“So you’re saying that _this,"_ she gestured, "is extra strong mayo that nobody likes.” Her eyes narrowed as she pursed her lips. “And we’re using it to prank your _best friend_ who already hates _regular_ mayo.”

“…mmmyep,” he demurred, feigning innocence. “Only the best for Sam.”

“You’re both horrible to each other.” Slapping the tops of her thighs, she stood abruptly. “WELP, there’s no time like the present! Let’s go find the turkey baster.”

✽

“Hey, what’s up guys, you’re early! This is great, we can get right to it!” As Sam moved to close the door behind them, Sebastian and Abigail were very obviously trying not to snicker. Thankfully Sam wasn’t always the most observant.

On a normal day Sam was an obnoxiously bright ball of sunshine and energy, but today he was cranked up to eleven. It was as if he’d switched his regular Joja Cola with Joja Xtreme Bluu and threw in a few triple shot espressos for good measure. He bounced on his heels and bustled around his room, moving this and that until he found what he wanted and held it up proudly. “Check this out! Vince got me a new guitar strap for my birthday. He says he picked it out all by himself.”

“Aw, what a sweet kid! Is that a pizza pattern?” Abby squinted and grinned as she ran her fingers over the strap. “This is so cute!”

“Yeah man, it suits you. It’ll definitely work on the strat.”

“I know, right? I said it looked delicious and pretended to take a bite of it and Vincent was all ‘nooo don’t eat it!’ and couldn’t stop giggling.” He laughed at his own mime of Vince’s protest and smiled as he secured the new strap to his red Stratocaster. “And like, it reminded me of this place in the city we went for pizza once that played this really cool like, atmospheric music in the background? It was this funky swing kinda stuff with horns and a crazy beat. I think we could add some of that to really spice up our sound, y’know? Anyway, now that you guys are here to play music and stuff, I get to try out this strap for real and it makes it an even better birthday!”

Seb shot Abby a sideways glance and grinned, “of course dude, we got your back. We even got you something for your big day.” At the cue she took out the box and proffered it, batting her eyelashes dramatically, “all for you, Sammy!”

“Oh what! No way! Is this from Bee House?” Sam prised the lid from the box. “They make my favorite MAPLE BARS, ALRIGHT!” He excitedly grabbed a bar from the top layer and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. 

The moment hung in the air for an eternity. Abby and Seb looked on with interest, their faces giving away nothing. Sam’s pupils dilated. He stared into the void. 

The void stared back.

The sweet, flaky maple cake and crème brûlée crunch he had expected was overtaken by a new invasive sensation. A horrible oily acidity filled his mouth, drowning out his senses like slime putting out a candle flame. He could feel all the light and joy drain out of him, leaving only a sickeningly harsh oily residue behind. His vision tunneled and his heart swelled with certainty that all that is, was, and ever would be was this feeling. 

He suddenly blanched and bolted toward the kitchen, followed by peals of laughter from his treacherous best friends.

Somewhere far away he heard a rimshot from the drum kit. 

Water flooded Sam’s mouth cold and fast, but it wasn’t helping. Why wasn’t it helping! He sputtered and jerked his head out from under the faucet for a quick breather and admonishment. 

“You both suck,” he spat, trying to remove the ghost of mayonnaise from his taste buds. “I can’t believe you’ve done this. You’ve ruined maple bars forever now.”

Abby and Seb laughed silently with tears in their eyes as Sam thrust his face back under the faucet. After a few deep breaths, they composed themselves as best they could. 

“So what was your favorite part? Personally, I enjoyed seeing mayo shoot out his nose,” Seb said, failing to suppress a smirk. “The dawning look of horror on his face was pretty good as well.”

“I think trying to eat the whole thing in one bite is what did it for me. Those things are pretty big, Sam. You didn’t even gag until you bit down into the filling, good job!”

“You’re both dead to me for at least a week,” Sam laughed as he quickly bobbed his head out and back under the faucet. “Dead to me, yough hauagphff maugh!? Bleb!”


	3. Abby Has a Horse Now

They didn’t see what the big deal was. Nothing was different. Everything was exactly the same as it was before, except maybe sometimes on occasion every once in a while things were a little...closer. It was hardly any reason to raise a fuss. After all, _they_ weren’t making a big deal about anything, so why was Abigail?

“Did you see her?” 

“Nah, she doesn’t know we come here now anyway,” Sam mused. He wrapped his arms around his friend’s back in a loose hug as Seb buried himself deep into Sam’s jacket. He didn’t seem to mind that Sam was still wearing it. “You ok in there? Can you breathe?”

“Yes I’m fine shut up.” Sebastian readjusted his grip on the younger man as he snuggled as closely as possible without crawling under Sam’s shirt as well.

“Are you sure? Do you want to come up for some air? Shit, do I smell? Do I need another shower?”

“You—you smell fine, shut up.” Sebastian surfaced, slightly embarrassed. “It’s much better now that you switched from the AXE spray to the body wash. I can actually breathe without coughing.”

“Come on dude shut up,” Sam laughed. “Why do you keep trying to wear me like a coat anyway? I thought you didn’t get cold.”

“I _don’t_ get cold. Doesn’t mean you don’t feel nice when you’re so warm.” He wrapped his arms back around his friend a bit more casually than before.

A moment passed, and then another, and still yet another as they waited and listened for signs of intrusion, but none came. Sebastian huffed and let the support from his legs give way, his weight dragging both men down the back wall of the community center until they sat on the grass. He lounged across Sam’s lap, resting his head against his stomach. 

“I like this floppy cat thing you do,” Sam said, absentmindedly brushing his fingers through Sebastian’s hair. “You’re like some kind of human lap blanket. A Seblanket. Like a snuggie, but instead of a backwards robe you’re a Seb.”

Sebastian eyed him.

“...a Sebbie.”

“You are so fucking weird,” Seb snorted. From his pocket he pulled out a half empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter held together with a rubber band. He shook out a cigarette and lit it before offering another to Sam, shrugging and putting it away when he declined.

Seb took a slow drag, blowing the smoke to the side and hummed. “She’s being weird about this.”

“Oh she’s definitely being weird about it even though like, we’re not. Being weird about it, I mean.”

“Well that’s because it’s not weird.”

“You’re right, it’s totally not.” Sam paused from stroking his hair to look down at Sebastian. “It’s not weird, right? We’re like, allowed.” This was getting to him. He reached out and plucked the cigarette out of Seb’s mouth and took a drag before returning it. “We’re allowed to like, like each other and shit, that’s allowed. So why is she being so weird?”

They sat like that for a while in silence, enjoying each other’s company while the leaves rustled in the fall breeze. Sebastian flicked ash from the end of his nearly depleted cigarette. “There’s not a lot going on around here, maybe she’s just starved for romance or whatever.” He took another drag as the leaves rustled louder and pursed his lips in a frown, glancing to the side. “That’s why we keep _finding her hiding in the bushes like a Yoba-forsaken_ **_creeper, ABIGAIL.”_ **

The whispered “fuck” that came from the blackberry bush was barely loud enough to hear, but the shaking that dropped a ton of berries was _very_ noticeable.

Sam straightened in exasperation. “Abby what the hell!” She swatted a few leaves out of her hair as she stood from her hiding spot and smoothed down her vest. “Why do you keep following us!”

“You are _covered_ in blackberry stains,” Sebastian said dryly. He rolled off of Sam’s legs and crushed his spent cigarette in the dirt, dropping it in a cola can he had hidden weeks ago. He picked up the can to take away because this spot was obviously not going to be private anymore.

“I don’t know what you’re insinuating, maybe I wanted a snack, maybe I fell into the bush.”

“Abby!”

“What!” She pouted and flicked absentmindedly at a berry stuck to her jeans. “I can be happy that my best friends have a _thing_ now! You’re adorable, like a fuckin’ Hallmark card or one of those prescious moments figurines my gran has next to all those crystal flowers and unicorns in the display cabinet in her bathroom.”

“Ugh, augh, no that is the worst comparison you could possibly make Abby, why.”

“Seriously you might as well fart bunnies and piss rainbows with how cute this is. Lisa Frank would twirl in her grave like a disco ball if you two ever decide to make out.” Another berry was swatted away. “You’re not making out already, are you? Are you doing kisses with each other? I demand deets!”

Seb narrowed his eyes. “Can I legally disown someone I have no legal guardianship over?” 

“I heard Marnie’s expanded her inventory,” Sam stood and held his hand out to Sebastian. “C’mon let’s go buy some bells and attach them to her so we know when she’s tryna sneak up on us.”

“So you _are_ making out!”

“Welp, you heard the man Abs, gotta run!”

They darted forward into a full sprint, taking Abby by surprise. She took a few moments to extract herself from the blackberry bush, cursing as it snagged her vest and began to head after them.

“Come on you fuckers, just let me be happy at my friends when they smush!”

✽

“Are you _sure_ she won’t find us here,” Sam hissed. “It feels like she would very much find us here.”

“Trust me, this is the last place she would ever look. She’d never come in here.”

“Seb we’re in her house.”

“No, we’re in _Yoba’s_ house.”

“Don’t you get all tentacle with me, I know where Yoba’s house _is._ ”

“Dude, it’s _technical_.”

“That’s what I said, temporal.”

Sebastian shook in silent laughter, which made Sam smile. He couldn’t read Sam’s poker face well enough to tell if he got shit wrong on purpose or if he was just a little bit dumb, but it was damn funny.

Whatever the definition of their relationship was now, Abigail and her fervor for details ensured that they had no alone time together. As sexy as it was in movies, being on the run constantly was turning out to not be very conducive to romance. Well, cuddling at least. They hadn’t even gotten a chance to talk about romantic possibilities with Abby’s constant hovering.

“So. I’ve been thinking about what we could do to get back at Abby for being a brat.”

“Oh yeah? What have you come up with so far?” Seb leaned in eagerly. Maybe this would be good.

“Oh I don’t have a plan yet, I’ve just been thinking that we need a really good prank, like, a _really_ good one.”

Of course. Sebastian huffed out a sigh. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“You think I’m cute?”

Sebastian's mouth quirked as he swatted Sam's shoulder. “Like a low-rent Adonis. Let’s come up with a plan.”

✽

There were many plans developed, but it was another week before they came up with anything resembling a plan that would _work_. 

Sebastian lounged across Sam’s bed reading an old zine as if he had been absentmindedly tossed there like an old shirt. His ability to be comfortable anywhere in any weird contortion only furthered the suspicion that he was actually a cat. A sharp noise from the window startled him, nearly ripping the page he was on, and he turned quickly to see Sam climbing through his own window.

“The fuck are you doing, you already live here.”

Sam tumbled roughly to the floor, removing his backpack and checking that his hair didn’t get mussed. It hadn’t. “Is my hair still good?”

“You put a full can of mousse in it every morning, what do you think?”

“Perfect as always then.” He started digging through his backpack, his eyes glittering. “Anyway I _like_ climbing through my window sometimes. It’s not like _you’ve_ got any windows I can climb through.” The grin he shot Sebastian could’ve eaten a three course meal of shit. The blush he got in return could’ve reignited a dying sun.

“I—I live in a basement apartment! Even if there were windows they’d be so small you couldn’t squeeze through them!”

“Oh my, Seb, are you calling me fat?”

“Fuck off Sam.”

They snickered while Sam continued to dig through his bag, and shortly he found what he was looking for. He hopped up and sat heavily on his bed, causing Sebastian to fall into his side. “Look at this!” He beamed with pride and held out probably the ugliest thing Sebastian had ever seen in his life.

“Vince and I found it buried in the sand at the beach at the end of summer. I had almost forgotten about it to be honest.” He turned it this way and that, beaming at his friend and pointing at different parts like an excited child.

“Is that a fuckin’ flute? With a horse on it?”

 _“Yes!”_

Seb’s brow knit in confusion and disgust, “it looks like a shitty tube horse that had its legs cut off. What the fuck–why is the mouthpiece the horse’s actual mouth!”

“I know!” Sam bounced with glee. “It’s absolutely _horse-ible!_ Can you imagine how awful it would be to play this thing?”

“Oh Yoba I think my entire body just tried to retract back in on itself at that thought. Why did you keep this horrible—”

_“Horse-ible.”_

“Fuck off. Why did you _keep_ this thing? And why are you subjecting _me_ to it?”

The nasty grin that spread across Sam’s face made Sebastian’s pulse quicken and he had to take a mental knee as he began to flush. He’d have to unpack whatever _that_ was later. 

“Because _we_ know someone that plays the flute, Seb.” Sam’s grin spread wider as Sebastian understood. “And she only ever plays it alone.”

 _Oh._ He’d have a _lot_ to unpack later.

But first they had a prank to pull.

✽

There was something about rainy afternoons that made Abigail crave solitude. Or maybe the solitude she relished was a byproduct. It’s not like people were clamoring to go out when the weather took a turn. Hell, she had stayed inside all day herself when the weather was nasty plenty of times before.

Today though, today was just the right kind of rainy. Not light enough to be a sprinkle, not heavy enough to be a downpour—this Goldilocks Weather couldn’t have come at a better time. In another week or two it would be far too cold for Abigail to play her flute outside and she’d been yelled at enough times by her _dad_ for practicing during quote-unquote _business hours,_ as if he didn't consider every waking moment to be a business hour, the jerk. The last time she played in the house, he had nagged her for two weeks afterwards every time she went anywhere near her own bedroom. No, she was going to take the opportunity to play when the ambiance was perfect and she could be blissfully alone.

Shrugging on a hooded jacket, she grabbed her flute case and headed quickly out the door while her _dad_ was preoccupied restocking a shelf. If he saw her he might invoke her on-call employee status and shove the menial chore onto her. Abby swore she would force Yoba at sword-point to bring about the end of all life in the Valley if he tried to nag her into working today. A thousand imaginary arguments and scathing comebacks flitted through her head as she made her escape and began heading toward the mountain lake. 

The offbeat trails Abby liked to take up the mountain hadn’t yet become waterlogged and soggy, but if the rain picked up at all she would definitely not be able to avoid mud on her way back. Thankfully the spot beneath her favorite cedar remained blessedly dry. She took a moment to breathe in the comforting scents of wet wood and grass. It was bliss.

“Oooh-kay, time for some quality time, baby.” Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply once more, Abby gingerly opened the case, picked up the flute, and began to play.

Several things happened in that moment. Her skin crawled as she realized her mouth felt entirely wrong, her nose crinkled at the sudden smell of hay, and her ears thrummed as she heard not the dulcet tones she expected, but instead a strained whinny.

Eyes wide, she looked down and recoiled at the sight of what was most definitely _not_ her flute.

“You’re not Portia!” She screamed and threw the thing down.

The...horse stick? Flute? _Thing_ that had been in Portia's place stared back at her with a wooden expression. Had it whinnied when she played it? Where the hell did it come from?

“How dare you, I came here for time with Portia and you’ve _ruined_ it!” 

The horse-flute-thing did not reply.

Abigail huffed in defeat. Her day was officially ruined. She hid her face in her hands and failed at trying not to feel sorry for herself.

A sudden nudge of her shoulder made her jump. Turning, she stared into the long face of a horse.

 _“What.”_

The horse nudged her again, nickering softly.

“Did...weren’t you a flute just now? Did you turn into a horse? Did my kiss set you _free??_ ”

The horse waggled its head in what seemed to be agreement.

Starry eyed, she cupped the horse’s muzzle in her hands. “This changes _everything._ You will be my mighty steed and I shall name you… _Horsia, Queen of the Wind.”_

Horsia nibbled some grass.

Abby clambered onto Horsia’s convenient, possibly magical saddle and urged her forward. “Come on, I want to head back and get something from my room before we go on our first adventure!” 

Horsia flicked her ears back and stayed put as she chewed her grass. 

“Oh alright, it’s a sword. I’m getting a sword. Are you happy now?” 

Seemingly pleased to be in her confidence, Horsia turned and began trotting toward town.

✽

Farmer Mica stepped out of the cave into a light drizzle of rain. They had gotten a pretty decent mineral haul from the mines but were completely exhausted. They definitely wouldn’t say no to an easy ride home and a soak in the tub.

They walked across the short bridge towards the blackberry bushes their horse liked to nibble and noticed a distinct lack of horse in the area.

“Huh. Salt must’ve wandered away again.” They started down the path and scanned the area for their errant horse. What could they have done this time? Salt always seemed to wander whenever she was holding a grudge. Mica resolved to give her some extra carrots later to make up for whatever it was.

The drizzle started to pick up and the walk became slightly less bearable. 

“Alright, forget this. This is stupid.” Mica stopped under a large cedar tree and pulled off their rucksack, searching through the pockets for something that turned out not to be there.

“Dammit!” They huffed and leaned back against the tree, looking to the ground in frustration. After a moment their eyes landed on a little horse head sticking out of the fallen needles. They blinked.

“Huh. Must’ve dropped it earlier.” Mica reached out to pick up the horse flute, dusting it off to call Salt back to them. Flicking out the last of the needles, they lifted it to their lips and began to play.

✽

Mica took a long drink and slammed the empty pint glass back down with a little more force than necessary. “And do you _know_ what she said to me _then?”_

Sam and Sebastian were on the edge of their seats. “No, what!” Sam bounced excitedly. “What did she say!” Seb failed to conceal a smirk.

“She said _this isn’t some common farm nag,”_ Mica trilled in a gravely, nasal voice and waved their hands limply in the air, “ _Horsia is royalty and thirsts for adventure!_ And then she brandished a dang _sword.”_

“Yoba, Abby, you dumb piece of shit.” Sebastian shook his head, laughing. “Did you really think you found a magic horse?”

"A magical pony princess looking for a girl pure of heart to thwart evil?" Sam's smile was so wide he nearly split in two.

“Shut up you jerks, you’re completely glossing over the fact that you stole my Portia!” Abby glowered at her shitty friends.

“BLESSED YOBA you named your FLUTE?”

“For the love of—shut the fuck UP Sebastian!” Abby swatted her hair away from her face, annoyed. “I want my flute back. And for the last time I _didn’t steal the farmer’s horse.”_

 _“Abigail._ You’ve known me for a year now, you can use my actual name instead of calling me _The Farmer_ all the time.”

“Shut up Mica, you’re _The Farmer_ until further notice for making me look like an idiot in front of these two asshats.”

Mica snickered, “fine, fine. How can I make it up to you so you’ll start using my _actual name_. Would another beer do?”

“I want unfettered access to Horsia for adventures.”

They blinked at the speed and the seriousness of Abigail’s answer. “Okay, no. Point number one: no. Point number two: _hell_ no. Point number three: maybe if you ask me first in advance I’ll _see_ if Salt wants to go out for a ride, _not an adventure,_ and point number four—”

“Why _wouldn’t_ Horsia want to go on an adventure, she was born to expl—”

“POINT NUMBER FOUR, Abigail.”

They lowered their voice and leaned in so only Abby could hear.

“If I ever catch you taking my horse without permission?” 

Abby gulped.

“I will _never_ take you into the mines.” 

She sank into the table in defeat, emitting a low groan.

Pleased, Mica stood up and slapped the table.

“Well! I’m going to go get another round for the table. When I get back I want to know why y’all stole Abby’s flute in the first place.”

“We don’t have to answer that.”

“Yeah no, we don’t have to answer that at all.” Sam’s blush crept up his neck toward his ears. “Like at all at all, we peed the filth.”

All of the sound seemed to drain out of the room as everyone stared.

“Sam, it’s _plead the fifth_ , that’s not how it works, and now you _have_ to tell them,” groaned Sebastian, “because if you _don’t_ they’re going to blackmail you now until the end of time.”


End file.
